We run around hither and thither,
Unaware and unabashed.
We walk around the corners,
Not knowing what’s waiting for us there.
The darkness is somehow eerie.
The mornings dreadful to our very existence.
Why do we fear? When we don’t have anything to lose?
After all, who’s gonna leave this world with what they choose?
There’s nothing to dread, dear child except fearing Oblivion.
© the black curse
Picture courtesy ~ Debasmita Chakrabarty
I once touched a picture,
It spoke to me in a thousand different ways.
I saw the incredible paint and the delicate brushes,
Take over my senses and giving me adrenaline rushes.
I stood there placidly,
Noticing the work vividly,
I tried to understand what it conveyed.
Whether the painter wanted to express a lot of happiness like the sunshine during winter season,
Or was it a metaphor for the darkness within mankind itself?
They say flowers are a way of telling everyone how beautiful life can be,
They say even blind people like me can touch the petals and try to see.
They say the aroma of the sunflower is one of a kind,
And those are the times I wish I could see what was there Infront of my eyes.
But then again, aren’t most of us blind? Even after having what I don’t have?
© the black curse
Artwork by NILAKSHI SARKAR
Your behaviour does remind me of the cold and numbing Winter nights,
Pin drop silence on the roads with closed windows, drawn curtains and dimmed lights.
Chilly on the outside. Warm and fuzzy inside.
Your smile does remind me of the hauntingly beautiful Autumn dusks,
Where the whole world stumbles and almost shows their real faces behind those unrealistic masks.
Pretty on the outside. Hiding what not inside.
Your eyes do remind me of the bright sunny days of Summer,
When the birds are always chirping and the trees and flowers murmur.
Happy and energetic on the outside. Even though the circumstances around are far from being alright.
Your voice does remind me of Spring,
When the world comes alive and the planet seems to be doing absolutely alright!
Strong and commanding on the outside. Weary and tired of fighting all alone all the time.
But when people ask me if these are the reason I fell in love with you; I simply smile because they are not why I love you, o sweet friend of mine.
It is not what is easily visible about you that made me fall; rather I fell for you like falling in love with the anticipation of the first Monsoon showers after the departure of a long Summer or like the inexplicable urge to see a flower bloom and welcome Spring after hibernating through a cold Winter!
I guess what they say is true;
Love is not what you see but it is almost always what you feel.
©theblackcurse via Seasons of Love
“Are you even planning to return my umbrella? 😏”
“I was about to if it had not rained yesterday 😶”
“Rescuing you every single time, eh! 😂”
“You have always been my rescuer until that very day…”
“I did. I still do. I will continue doing so.. Now tell me when are we meeting again?”
“Tomorrow at 5”
“Where?”
“The same place where it all started…”
Meher and me were never best friends and neither we vowed to be. However, we both looked out for one another everytime..
She moved to a different city for her grads and there it was. Everything messed up. I still remember the evening we met just an hour before her flight.
Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose Airport, July 2013
“Beta, I knew you would come.. I told her not to go but she is not listening. I will be all alone in that 3BHK flat.. I don’t know what I am going to do… ”
This is Mehers mother. Loving, caring and full of innocence.
Meher was struggling with the trolley when she heard her mom talking to someone, she instantly looked at me and with a reflex turned back..
Damn! She couldn’t hide it. Bloodshot eyes and anxious behaviour..
I quickly went upto her and picked up the leftover luggage on the ground..
“Who asked you to come and help?.. Go away from here, NOW”
“I know what you’re going through, you’ll just be..”
“You will never know what I’m going through, just GO AWAY..”
“I am just here to…”
“Just GO AWAY..”
That was the day, I felt it..
Next Day, I had my Maths exam (Half-Yearly Class XII) and the teacher felt it too while checking it..
We started walking towards Home.
I don’t which home she was heading, because all I knew was that I had already reached home.
“Why does everything that we love, ends up so fast?“, she asked..
“Maybe we don’t want to explore the ugly side of it“, I said.
She meant about the ice cream, I don’t know why I said that and I still don’t know whether she understood or not..
“Do you remember we stood there all drenched and you gave your blazer to me as I was shivering?, unusual rain at that time of the month..“, she pointed towards the old man’s shop which still was still open…
Surprisingly, it started to rain, well at this time of the month, it wasn’t unusual..
She looked for the umbrella in her bag and I somehow gathered enough courage to hold her hand and run across the street to the old man’s shop..
The old man recognized us. Why wouldn’t he, we used spend a lot of time in his shop before and after school. Meher was very keen towards weaving.
“Chacha, pehchana?“, she smiled at him and handed over a pack of biscuits..
She had always been like this, kind, and full of love.
“Aj baarish mein phirse tum dono bheeg rahe ho, abhi bhi bachpana nahi gaya..“, he smiled at us while fixing the sewing machine..
We waited at the shop for a long time, and she talked a lot about her life after school.. I wasn’t even saying a word because it had been so long I heard her voice, so long we met..
“It has stopped raining. We should leave now.”
I really wished that it rained little longer.
I dropped her home and watched her close the door.
I left for home leaving one behind.
“Let me know when you reach and the umbrella is in your bag. I know it isn’t manly enough according to you to carry one but surely sensible enough to avoid cold. Don’t lose it, I’ll take it back. Loads of love. It was so good to see you. Take Care Babe”
Meher..
She is still the same. I guess we’ll be the same too, with time.. ❤️
I met Meher last evening after a decade maybe.
She was standing at the bus stop not knowing I would pass by..
She saw me and waved, I was on the other side waiting for the signal to turn red..
As I was about to cross and reach her, she turned red..
Not to my surprise, she was still brave enough to hug me despite the crowd that was around. We had met after 6 long years..
‘You have become so thin, are you still eating and gaining nothing?‘, she laughed wiping her tears..
‘I hope you are going to get me ice-cream and drop me home‘, she added…
I quickly got Kwality Walls Sandwich Icecream for her..
This was the only ice cream we used to have back in school and we would walk together to her home. Daily.
‘Let’s walk…‘, I said.. This was the first two words that I had uttered. I had a gulp inside, choked…
‘I guess we have a lot to talk about and I think this is going to be a long one‘, she looked at me and took the first bite of the one sweet happy memory..
#ToBeContinued
You came in like a butterfly, fluttering around the dark side of my life.
You woke me up with a smile, the smile that can make everything feel just fine.
You made me realise that it was not my fault, that I too could be loved even after being so drastically flawed.
You made my insides crawl, with that look in your eyes and the earnestness in your soul.
You gave me courage to look at myself in a new light; not dreading the shadows and the past mistakes of my life.
You turned all the knobs of my insides and set them right; suddenly I was in tune and singing amidst the moonlight.
I looked at the mirror and there I was; the old me; rearranged and remoulded into someone absolutely new.
And then you did what I could never associate with you;
You left me and didn’t bother seeing me descent into the abyss of my past and the turmoil of breaking down; negating my growth in plain sight!
Tonight I am decked out for the whole world to see me,
They love the mask that is masking my insanity.
The cracks and crevices can be felt if someone looks a bit more closely but no one’s allowed anymore; after what you did to me.My frailties have slowly crept inside and morphed into my reality,My tears have dried up; just like your decaying humanity.
I arrange and rearrange the pieces of my mask every morning,
Only to break it again during the wee hours of my unceremonious mourning.
My hands often bleed because the shards are far too sharp for my skin,
But then again I make myself remember who I am and what I carry within my soul masked by my smile and my body:
A broken mask of beauty masking the marks left on me for loving someone ever so deeply. An emblem to prove that love heals a lot less than it ruptures and damages.
©the black curse
Picture courtesy – Sakshi Jajodia
To be continued from Digne Indigne
But it is about time I try to change myself and be worthy.
Worthy enough to call you my friend.
Worthy enough to hold your hands when the crowd is creating a mess.
Worthy enough to take your name through these cursed lips.
Worthy enough to wipe those unholy tears off of your rosy cheeks!
Worthy enough to make love to you in this summer heat.
Worthy enough to call you my best friend and be so indeed!
Worthy enough to make you my wife one day.
Worthy enough to father our child one day.
Worthy enough to grow old with you and die in your arms one day.
I am worthy of your love, mio amore. This is meant to be. There is no stopping this. No if’s, but’s or maybe’s. You and I will make it till the end and beyond.
I apologise for everything that I did. Wish I could change them back. But I cannot. What I can; I am.
P.S. the title is in French. Translate it.
©aritraMickeychakraborty
I don’t know if I should start the letter by addressing you in a loving manner because of where we stand today. I never thought we’d fall down this far into the pit that getting out and starting afresh would become impossible. But then I believed we could and told you too!
And then the rant began when I questioned my disgusting self.
Why would you believe me? Have I ever given you any reason to? No! Quite the contrary. I’ve given you nothing but pain, tears, turmoils and struggles. How can I expect to heal you now?
I was so stupid to think that it would be easy. So idiotic to think I could do it. I’ve never been able to mend anything. How’s this any different? How can I fix you when all I can do is break people? Funny right? How a broken person can break so many more down? I suppose a shard of glass still cuts deep into the skin of the innocent as much as a knife does.
Did I really take the decision? To leave?
Was it so easy to believe that I’d leave? Yet again?
Was it so hard to trust me one more time, my friend?
Are the scars so deep that I could never even reach them?
Did I fill you up with so much negativity?
That you could see nothing instead?
Feel nothing apart from the fear of me leaving you stranded?
Was I not trying enough? To make things better again?
Was I not trying enough? To mend those bridges I had burnt down between us one day?
Did my eyes not show you the regret within my soul to see you like this? Or were you so blinded by the past that the present made no sense? Was it very difficult to imagine that we could make it till the end? Was it necessary for you to leave me alone during so many nights, my friend?
Did it feel weird when they called you my girlfriend because you’d stopped believing we’d ever reach that stage?
You know it is funny, this age.
Defining love is none of my business and trying to make you realise that this was real was probably a futile exercise. We’d been waging wars from quite a while but don’t you think off late our weapons used to hurt us quite a lot more than the previous times?
I know what I did was the reason for all this mess but baby I actually never even contemplated leaving you this time!
They say our past comes back to haunt us but I believed that our present would be so strong that it’d scare away our past and it’ll make sure we’re never in tears.
The voice notes actually were wrong. The words said were venomous like I am. The tone was hissing like a snake but I am not a snake; I’m not two faced. I expressed and look where it has brought us, dear. Look what I did to you after you took me back again. Look what I did.
I wish I could take it back but I can’t and now it is all too late for anything anyway.
That’s a sad story right there. Our ‘could have’ would definitely have been a dream come true! But then the ink is dry and your eyes are wet again; the Kohl around your eyes are not the ink I wanted to use to write down our story on these white papers.
Why am I so bad? Why is it so hard to be in love with me? Why did everyone around me who tried to love me, give up and go away? I used to think it was a two sided affair but now? After today?
I stand corrected, rectified and completely flabbergasted.
It is always going to be just me and my unmanageable regrets.
I never intended this to happen, you know? I actually wanted us to make it till the end…. but now I realise I’m designed to be alone.
No use trying to make something impossible and improbable into a mess. I’m already one; why make you into one too? I feel sorry for this. I feel guilty of doing this. I am disappointed that you couldn’t trust me the time I really deserved it. I am not supposed to be loved. I cannot be.
In a world full of people who live and love; I’m supposed to survive alone. That’s my destiny. That’s what I shall get. But not you. Not you.
Everyone cannot be lucky enough to find love but look at me? I found it and I lost it. So many times. This isn’t a way to make things fine; using words to melt you because honestly I have understood I can’t. This is not a letter but a declaration of defeat. I accept all that I did. I accept all that I never intended to do. I accept that I am unlovable. I accept that you are better hence you deserve better. Sorry but these words have come back because one cannot hide the truth with compensating lies. It just doesn’t work that way. I never thought I’d bring you down here and now I don’t know if I can ever make sure you get out of this pit of danger but you should. Escape it. You’re meant for better things. You’re meant to be loved in a much better way. By a much better human being who doesn’t have so many underlying issues. I’m sorry for being a mess and making you one too! I’m sorry for being this way. I’m sorry I didn’t die before I ever met you. I’m sorry that it is too late!
©theblackcurse
Sorry for being the person you never wanted me to be.
Sorry for being the partner you never deemed normal and worthy.
Sorry for being the friend you never could flaunt proudly.
Sorry for being a disappointment for you and your family.
Sorry for being a ridiculous excuse of a man.
A hollow shell making sound but worth nothing.
Sorry for disgusting you with my cheap mentality.
Sorry for being so toxic to you and your soul.
People know me to be who I am not.
I am the worst possible man in love with the best possible woman.
I am loved by her even after I have destroyed her in every manner possible.
Her patience is paramount and my paranoia is all she ever gets back!
Anxiety, possessiveness, anger issues and so much more
She suffered it all with a smile on her face and silence wrapped around her lips.
I left her countless times and yet she was there to recover me everytime I came back.
The world should know that you are an angel.
And I am worse than the Devil himself.
I can never be who you wished for me to be.
No matter how many times you buy me expensive ties and shirts; how can a man like me be good from within?
I’m a sinner. I am your sinner. Always was and always will be.
You’re my salvation and I’m your damnation baby.
©theblackcurse
To be continued.
